So I realized that I've been really placing my foundations in sand as opposed to solid rock - in school, my future, my plans for home, my plans for summer, relationships, the list goes on - when I should have been placing my foundations in the only one that I can depend on - God. As much as I tried and tried to place Christ at the center of everything, I now realize that's not really possible when I subconsciously take credit for everything that happens to me - easy or hard(I was gonna say good or bad, but there is no bad in God's plan haha). If things were going well, outwardly I'd have this false mask of 'Praise God!' on. But inwardly, and often without even knowing it, I'd be patting myself on the back for a job well done. In times of hardship and strife, I'll change outfits to become the 'it's difficult, but God is good!' It's a nice costume, it really is. But inwardly, God sees that I'm frustrated and tired and stressed.
But it's not about me. It never was, and it never will be. I'm a vapor in the wind, and barely that. Now that I'm reminded of that, I see what little control I really do have over my life. None. My life is in God's hands. And it's never been more clear. At this point, what could I do but SURRENDER my life and all that it is to the Father?
It was a refreshing realization, to be sure - to find comfort in the face of weakness, to submit to His will and just cling to the only thing that matters.
I've been chosen to go to Japan this summer for missions. Although it wasn't 100% sure, it looked like I had a solid chance of going. Now it doesn't seem so. I'm not sure either way, and I'm bummed. And I'm bummed that I'm bummed. Even after this realization, it still bothers me that I don't know the future. Which shows that my heart is still far from God's. I really pray that God would give me real peace and comfort and rest in the knowledge that I don't have to worry about anything, because God will take care of EVERYTHING.
This entry seems all over the place, but that's because my mind is jumping around. That's alright. I've been reading through Luke. A while back, I read about the calling of the first disciples. After Jesus was done speaking on Simon's boat, He commanded him to put down his nets to catch some fish. Simon replied, "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets."
Now Simon was no amateur. Fishing was his profession. He grew up on it. It was all he knew. But apparently, this odd man named Jesus, the Alpha and the Omega, the Maker of heaven and earth, knew something he didn't. The outcome was that the catch was so abundant that even two boats couldn't handle the load, and began to sink.
In the midst of everything, in all my doubts, fears, discouragements, uncertainties, sinfulness, and foolishness, I sincerely wish that I can humble myself. That I can say, "God, here is what I know and what I wanted to do. This is how I pictured it. But at YOUR word, I'll scrap it all and do what YOU want me to do." Let me lay down my nets! Something tells me that if I do, the blessings will be beyond my wildest dreams. Things might not go according to my plan, but as long as they go according to His, I'll be A-ok. :)
I know this was long, but if you got through it, please pray for me! And send me your prayer requests! If they are long or specific or private, feel free to fb message me or something! I miss san diego :(