just a touch

Here I am, knowing I'm a sinful man, covered by the blood of the lamb.

I need healing. Yet I find myself so unworthy, so ashamed to come into the presence of Jesus. Not worthy of His affection, His time, His love. But Jesus, let me just touch the hem of Your robe. Just one tiny touch will heal me of all my afflictions, my pain, my damnation.

His majesty is incredible.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop, I always say!

Lately I feel spiritually ill. Fortunately, I know the cure, so I'm going to put that to use starting RIGHT NOW and I'll be all better. Well, not all better, but good enough until I die and go to heaven.

Today I played basketball until like 1 and now I'm sore but refreshed. Kind of like keeping up in your spiritual walk. Allow me to explain - I don't know why but sometimes I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to vegetate and be lazy and waste time on my computer or watch tv shows or something. I don't feel like reading, I don't feel like praying, I don't feel like meeting up with people to fellowship, etc. But when I fight my flesh and force myself to do those things, I always end up feeling refreshed and renewed. Same with basketball(or any physical activity at all, for that matter) - if you've been sitting on your butt for a while, you usually don't feel especially motivated to burn more than 68 calories per hour (the average amount of calories you burn by sitting there doing nothing). But if your force yourself to exercise, it's gonna be tiring and strenuous and you'll most likely feel sore during and maybe even afterwards - but you feel refreshed at the same time. I was just reminded of this because I was talking to Rak about it today too.

But then again, maybe it's because I just got out of the shower and I feel so fresh and so clean clean.

Anyways, we should all exercise. Physically and spiritually. Let's get spiritual! Spiritual! (replace with physical, or ethical, if you're an office fan)

I wonder how many people really understand 100% of my entries hahaha

surrender

The past couple months have been...turbulent, to say the least. There are many things and situations in my life that I have little to no control over. It seems like no matter what I do, nothing goes according to plan(not mine, at least), and my meticulously devised schedules and schemes always end up going, well, awry.

So I realized that I've been really placing my foundations in sand as opposed to solid rock - in school, my future, my plans for home, my plans for summer, relationships, the list goes on - when I should have been placing my foundations in the only one that I can depend on - God. As much as I tried and tried to place Christ at the center of everything, I now realize that's not really possible when I subconsciously take credit for everything that happens to me - easy or hard(I was gonna say good or bad, but there is no bad in God's plan haha). If things were going well, outwardly I'd have this false mask of 'Praise God!' on. But inwardly, and often without even knowing it, I'd be patting myself on the back for a job well done. In times of hardship and strife, I'll change outfits to become the 'it's difficult, but God is good!' It's a nice costume, it really is. But inwardly, God sees that I'm frustrated and tired and stressed.

But it's not about me. It never was, and it never will be. I'm a vapor in the wind, and barely that. Now that I'm reminded of that, I see what little control I really do have over my life. None. My life is in God's hands. And it's never been more clear. At this point, what could I do but SURRENDER my life and all that it is to the Father?

It was a refreshing realization, to be sure - to find comfort in the face of weakness, to submit to His will and just cling to the only thing that matters.

I've been chosen to go to Japan this summer for missions. Although it wasn't 100% sure, it looked like I had a solid chance of going. Now it doesn't seem so. I'm not sure either way, and I'm bummed. And I'm bummed that I'm bummed. Even after this realization, it still bothers me that I don't know the future. Which shows that my heart is still far from God's. I really pray that God would give me real peace and comfort and rest in the knowledge that I don't have to worry about anything, because God will take care of EVERYTHING.

This entry seems all over the place, but that's because my mind is jumping around. That's alright. I've been reading through Luke. A while back, I read about the calling of the first disciples. After Jesus was done speaking on Simon's boat, He commanded him to put down his nets to catch some fish. Simon replied, "Master, we toiled all night and took nothing! But at your word I will let down the nets."

Now Simon was no amateur. Fishing was his profession. He grew up on it. It was all he knew. But apparently, this odd man named Jesus, the Alpha and the Omega, the Maker of heaven and earth, knew something he didn't. The outcome was that the catch was so abundant that even two boats couldn't handle the load, and began to sink.

In the midst of everything, in all my doubts, fears, discouragements, uncertainties, sinfulness, and foolishness, I sincerely wish that I can humble myself. That I can say, "God, here is what I know and what I wanted to do. This is how I pictured it. But at YOUR word, I'll scrap it all and do what YOU want me to do." Let me lay down my nets! Something tells me that if I do, the blessings will be beyond my wildest dreams. Things might not go according to my plan, but as long as they go according to His, I'll be A-ok. :)

I know this was long, but if you got through it, please pray for me! And send me your prayer requests! If they are long or specific or private, feel free to fb message me or something! I miss san diego :(

you can fly you can fly you can fly!

I wanna be this dude.

<----

play all day, beat up pirates, have a magic fairy dancing on my shoulder, and fly around causing mischief with a bunch of kids.

On a completely unrelated note, I'm reading through the gospel of Luke, it's pretty awesome stuff.

Completely random, probably not worth reading. Actually, go ahead and don't read this entry at all. It's just for me. Drawn in? Too bad :)

I'm sitting here at Geisel library on 7th floor, where it's supposed to be near dead quiet. The people are mostly silent, but the air conditioning is roaring incessantly, and even my in-ear skull candy earphones can't silence the noise of these monsters. I wonder how much electricity and power is used on producing the cold air that's constantly (and unnecessarily, at least at the moment) blasting right next to where I'm sitting. I'm already settled down and don't want to disrupt my study flow by moving.

Today, at 7pm, will mark my last final for the school year. Hmm. I want to write something here, but I'd rather not share it. Eh, that one I'll just keep to myself. I'm almost ready to ace this final. This spring break, and the few months following it, for that matter, are going to be grueling and tough, and I feel uneasy at the uncertainty of...everything. But in the past day or so I was rebuked by my lack of faith. At the first sight of a storm, I forgot about the power of my almighty God and was reduced to relying on myself, fearful of a cloudy and unclear future in which subconsciously I believed I was in control of. Really, little to nothing is in my power, and I can only lift it up to God and realize that He's holding me and my circumstances. I'm reminded time and again that "my" life isn't about me, it's about Him. I think I'll conclude here, so I don't end up failing my final. I will return soon! God is good. All the time.

random

So lately this new tumblr craze has been all the rage. I checked it out and it looked pretty cool, but I don't feel like making another account for a blog so I decided to just keep using this one. Life has been good. Difficult and trying, but good. Anyways, I saw this on Joyce's tumblr and decided to steal it because I thought it was awesome. Hopefully you will too.

"In 1996, Michael Behe, a biochemist who looks at the wonders of the microcosm of creation, rather than the macrocosm, wrote Darwin’s Black Box, and argued that the single tiny cell is “irreducibly complex,” and therefore the product of intelligent design, not chance. “Irreducible complexity” means that the immensely complex cell has a large number of parts that all work together in such a way that the absence of one part stops the entire function - which means that the functioning system of the cell could not be built up by small evolutionary steps in which the parts accumulated gradually.

For example, Behe considers the bacterial flagellum.

The flagellum is a whip-like rotary motor that enables a bacterium to navigate through its environment. The flagellum includes an acid-powered rotary engine, a stator, O-rings, bushings, and a driveshaft. The intricate machinery of this molecular motor requires approximately fifty proteins. Yet the absence of any one of these proteins results in the complete loss of motor function. The irreducible complexity of such a biochemical system cannot be explained by the Darwinian mechanism, nor indeed by any naturalistic evolutionary mechanism proposed to date. (William Dembski, “Science and Design,” First Things, Oct. 1998, No. 86, p. 25.)"

I think it's from one of John Piper's sermons.

random tangent: Today I EV'd for the first time in a while. It was good to hear from some people on campus and just get to share the gospel. Pastor Dave had a really interesting sermon this past thursday at kcm about Jonah. He talked about how Jonah's understanding of grace was skewed - judging from how he reacted to God's commands and just went the other way from Ninevah, it would seem that it was maybe even nonexistent. As frightening as it sounds, Pastor Dave connected it with the Christians of today. If we have this gift - this good news - if we really believe that it's TREASURE we hold in these jars of clay, yet don't proclaim it on the rooftops, then we too have a misunderstanding of grace. I realize I've been very lax in my duties as a Christian. I haven't really gone out of my way to share the good news in a while. I haven't been a very good steward of truth, or of many things for that matter. I guess it's a good time to collect myself, rearm, regroup, PRAY, and step back into battle. Satan, this is war.

a prayer

I've learned that to be a CHRISTian means to be a follower of Christ. But I fail to follow the example of Christ daily. Every single day I wallow in my pride, my self-righteousness, my selfishness, my flesh - my sin. Have mercy upon me, Lord, a sinner! I remember that the apostle Paul called himself the chief of sinners, but I think he was wrong. It's me.

Heavenly Father,

have mercy upon me.

Teach me the patience of Christ.

Teach me the discipline of Christ.

Teach me the self-control of Christ.

Teach me the gentleness and kindness of Christ.

Teach me the hatred for sin of Christ

Teach me the love of Christ.

Amen.